早已打包装好的箱子,关关合合。在身体与头脑都不清醒的时候也可以无休止地激辩,与所有人,最终与自己。结论甚至不需要努力说服自己都可以坦然接受。我是傻瓜,我是的。就算是为自己的任性纪录多添一笔罢了,真的不算什么。只好对不起包括自己在内的所有人。
雨一直淅淅沥沥不间断的落着,随着离开的时间一拖再拖,病情一天天好起来,但身体里的欢愉却一天天熄灭直到悲哀。每多待一天都是煎熬,仿佛五脏六腑都纠成一团,恨不能马上拎起行李奔赴车站,马上开始工作,远离所有人所有事,不用再解释,也不用再掩饰。就让我自己悲哀,难道这样的权力都不能够有。
终于换掉用了一年多的短信音,终于不再听Penny唱“我这里天快要亮了,那里呢”。很多人都曾问过,为什么会用这么怪的短信音。其实没有为什么吧,就像不为什么现在换成“你眼睛会笑,弯成一条桥”一样。发生在我世界里的事,对我而言大约从来都没有为什么,只有不应如此,只有那又如何。
终于还是压制不下要读刘慈欣的欲望,他的大部分书都已绝版,卓越一直缺货,淘宝上的亦有瑕疵。最后还是在淘宝和卓越分开下单买下5本长篇和2本获奖短篇集。买完之后突然发现,原来当初还在订阅《科幻世界》之时,就曾把他那篇《流浪地球》一字一句地慢慢敲进电脑里过——彼时约才十四五岁吧,正艰难地完成拼音到五笔的过渡,于是把所有喜爱的杂志文章全部手动录进电脑,权当练习。《流浪地球》大约是其中最长的一篇——也难怪后来会对他的文字一见如故。
原来这么多年过去了,我喜欢的人与事还是如此惊人地相似,仿佛在对我说,所有一切的过错依然是我自己的过错,所有一切的悲哀也依然是我自己的悲哀,与其他人无关。谁知道,究竟是因为我过着纠结的人生所以才喜欢纠结的人生,还是相反。大概,大概确实是我自己,没有在寻找不让自己哭的生活。一直都是自己在,自寻烦恼。
忘记多久没有开怀大笑,偶得亦不能长久。也许只好这样罢,也许快乐本无法长久。
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