奈何天,伤怀日,抓狂时

  放假四周,距开学尚有不到一百天,离回国约有七个月。太阳晒得窗帘发黑,楼下的洋人喜欢放一首每句都带一个fucker的歌,窗外的天空很蓝。不知从何时开始远处山腰上的橙色树林已转为翠绿,郁郁葱葱。阳光透过窗帘间的罅隙漏进房间,细细的一条,直直落下砸得粉碎。我坐在朝北的窗前眺望,仿佛一切都已尘埃落定。

  看了很多小说和VCD,在别人都穿着短袖的季节里依然披着棉袄蜗居在自己的房间。开始陷入周期性的懒惰期,没有码字的欲望,数篇开了头就写不下去的小说,看来又会变成历史巨坑。唯一一篇童话,投到榕树某个征童话稿的社区,被推荐,没有点击率;恐惧投到另一社区,被推荐,依然没有点击率。笑,也许我真的不适合写东西,我本不是文人。
  读鬼故事,被自己吓得一惊一诈;看喜剧,居然哭得糊涂一塌。一天一餐两天一宿的生活居然没有让我迅速地消瘦下去,反而看起来又多了几两肉。整个星期没有出门,外面的世界已然陌生。近三周未开手机,短信可能已经暴满……不想管。其实不是不想开,只是忘了充电器在哪儿……
  下载了N多的Mp3,无论好坏,无论歌手,通通一次性下载下来,无聊时一首接一首的听;在各个BBS串来串去,窝在数字生活灌水灌到全坛第一并暂无被超过的危险……

  过来新城市已近一年,实在惊讶于自己还在怀念奥克兰的一切。我本不应是如此放不开的人。我知道,那些快乐都是真的存在过,那些悲伤也从来不假,可是过去了,就真的是过去了。偶尔想念不该想念的某个人,心里怀着一点怅惘,为自己酝酿一点悲伤的情绪,然后在有美食当前的时候将它们抛到九霄云外。久而久之条件反射,饿肚子的时候唠骚也就特别多。心情不好时就写一些离奇的故事,用尽量平淡的语气,总有个倒霉而悲惨的结局,结果被人投诉说我是写女性悲剧的偏执狂。笑。其实自己也搞不懂为什么写出来的总是这样的故事,完全与初衷相背。

  室友们每日都在忙里忙外,打工、读暑期班、外出旅游,甚至回奥克兰玩,只有我一个人整天窝在家中独自苍白。所以常常在出去倒水吃东西的时候被他们鄙视:Jo你怎么不出去玩玩?Jo我又好几天都没见到你?Jo你在打工吗?Jo你怎么还在上网?如此一来渐渐变得不敢出去,一次性倒很多很多杯水回房间,饼干面包全拎进来,水果在床头的书架上摆满整整一排……
  心血来潮跑去图书馆借书,扎着简单的马尾辫,素着一张脸,穿宽大的灰色方格衬衫和牛仔裤,走整整四条街愣是一个人都没碰上。偶尔与衣着光鲜的男孩女孩们擦肩而过,被他们辛辣的青春气息逼得不能呼吸。再看看我自己,老得就像上上个世纪的木乃伊。其实算算,我也才二十。我想我大概亦属于小青笔下的那某种半身不遂的病患,外半边遂得很,里半边一直不遂。

  房间的窗,正对着一片大草坪,一直有很多人来打棒球。远一点还有四个网球场和一个篮球场。楼下的洋人学生一放假就开始疯狂,整天开着巨大的音响放那首每句都带一个fucker的歌。双双对对地出游,车子的排气口往往是改装过的,一启动就发出震耳欲聋的轰鸣。
  有女孩子三三两两地从窗前经过,大声笑闹,肆无忌惮地彼此开着玩笑。
  我只能无奈地拉紧窗帘,继续独自苍白。

  又熬一宿,码这篇字码到清晨六点,刚要躺下,楼下的情侣却如早起的鸟儿一般开始在我窗下拌嘴,其情绪之激动简直让人叹为观止。紧闭窗门依然无用,无奈之下只得放弃了睡觉的打算。吵了半天,女孩子终于哽咽着说,I love you so much.于是窃喜,算准这场闹剧终于近了尾声。声音渐渐落了下去,转身开窗透气瞥到窗下相拥的两个人影,忙移开了视线。呵呵,非礼勿视。
  拨拨窗旁的风铃,灿然一笑。其实,这样的生活也未尝不好。有人说,我爱你;有人可以拥在怀里。我的生活是否也曾这样……
  天空蓝得不像健康的颜色,这个世界病得不轻,我也是。

  写于某个肚子饿得叽哩咕噜家里却已弹尽粮绝的奈何天,伤怀日,抓狂时。

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