工作以后才有时间系统而完整的回忆整个荒芜的童年与少年。
站在心的角落查看那个无知而愚蠢的自己。一遍一遍看她怎样从一个现在的我最不喜爱的角色变成如今这个模样。
一直为自己从未是一个惹人喜爱的女子而感到遗憾。童年时太过沉默胆怯。少年时太过自恋张扬。而现在,现在无非是沉默而刻薄的普通女子。难以喜欢一个人,对于初次见面者总抱以怀疑态度。极度难以被讨好,并喜欢摆出恶劣的姿态让人为难。
一直试图追寻我是如何长成现在这个样子,如何失落,如何欢喜,如何决意与自己的过去与历史再见,又如何得来的勇气一次一次重新开始。
我想这与我遇见的人,做过的事有很大关系。
所以从今天起开了这个新类别。大面积回忆,小范围记录。从小写起,只记录一些也许永远不会与我有任何瓜葛的过客,所以那些没有被记录在案的大家,请不要误解。那只是因为我还未与你们分开。
这些文字仅作为我回忆的一部分被记录,真实与否其实我自己也无从得知,也许仅仅是因为回忆的次数太多而被扭曲的幻觉。然而真相或幻觉都好,他们只是从我脑子里被剥离的碎片,不需要得到任何人的肯定或否定。
回忆仅作为回忆存在,所以十分安全。至于现在,不要问,我不会答,亦不想答。因为现在的变数太多,无论有多么坚强的信念,对于现在始终心怀恐惧。只希望你们知道,我过的很好。
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