想起这些时,我知道我并不恨你。

  如果把恨换成爱,可能会更对某些人的胃口。不过我真正想说的,也许根本和爱恨无关。

  会动笔写这一篇,是因为看到以往认识的某女孩的日志,篇篇都与前男友有关:他狠心绝情与她分手,而且很快又交了新女友,而她之前为他做出过怎样的牺牲,曾经有多么好的工作机会,为了与他厮守所以没有去;又有去另一个国家继续深造的机会,为了不与他分隔两地而放弃等等等等。

  我这半生最怕遇见两类人,痴男和怨女。痴情的男人不可怕,可怕的是痴缠。他爱你,你要不就不要爱他,你若爱了他又离开他或背叛他,那就是一种罪。所以不断听说大学里有男生杀了女友和她的情人然后自杀。怨女则更可怕,她在自尊与自怜之间徘徊,绝不说失恋是自己的错,把责任全部推到男人头上,他喜新厌旧,他冷血无情。她往往不会对那个男人纠缠不休,但会像祥林嫂一样重复他的绝情和自己的傻,让她的每一个朋友心力交瘁。

  因此,很可能我真正想说的其实是怨念。怨念是一种很可怕的气场,让所有接近它的人不寒而栗。它让美女变成怨妇,帅哥变成窝囊废。再高贵的人,身上带着几分怨气,便立时失了身份变成普通人。

  你侬我侬时大家总能毫不犹豫地付出所有,一旦恩爱成为往事,以前所付出的便成了罪证。所以总有人撕破脸,吵架开口就说:我那时为你堕胎;我那时为你离婚;我那时为你没有去做那份优厚的工作;我那时为了你放弃了出国的机会,等等等等,后面跟着来的是:我那时候怎么那么傻呢。其实潜台词无非是:我以前为了你付出的那些,我现在非常后悔,因为你居然敢完全不珍惜我的付出。可惜我付出的没法收回,这一切都是你的错。

  口气这样理所当然,仿佛付出成了一种手段、一个条件,一把可以拿来要挟的武器,一件用来互相诋毁的证据。即使是吵架时一时冲动说出,但在别人看来,姿态实在难看。

  为什么一定要在最后把一切推翻,忘记其实在一开始,所有的付出都是甜蜜,即使是为错的人做过的错事,都是因为曾经的喜爱。所以,亲爱的女孩们,还是把那些怨念统统收起来吧,不要再说任何让自己有失身份的话,只去希望下一次再恋爱,可以遇见对的人,因为对的人不会让你的付出白费。

  这也许就是后来的后来,我再不敢轻易要求谁为我付出的原因,所幸也没有谁会想要拿自己的幸福来犯傻。更何况,如果要也要不来对方的付出,那会是多么的难堪。

  所以,当我想起,你曾为我做的事,然后,我又想起,吵架时你从未说过类似“我当初为你做了什么”的话,我也就不那么恨你了。所以,就让我希望,下一次恋爱,真的遇见不再让我哭的人。我想,这个要求并不能算太高。

47 thoughts on “想起这些时,我知道我并不恨你。

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