许多人劝我，说，这么多年了，你现在回去会很不适应。其实我自己亦如此觉得，并长久的质疑自己能否融入现在的中国社会，但这并不能成为一个阻挡的理由。因为我也始终不曾觉得我可以真正融入现在的新西兰社会，当然，这极有可能是我自己没有付出努力的结果。
一直以来都不觉得自己是坚强过人的女子，待人待己一向都只是顺从内心的想法。虽然走了很多弯路，浪费了很多时间，但还是获益良多，至少已经重拾信心，所以可以趁年轻再一次从头开始。若等到再年长一些，生活里的羁绊太多，反而容易止步不前。因此必须在生活还由我自控的时候做出选择，结果好与坏都是自己的抉择，至少不会怨天尤人。
其实信心是一种很神秘的物质，绝无可能一天建成。曾经有那么一段时间，我曾觉得自己如此幸福，简直不可能过上比这更幸福的生活。所以幻想的破灭的时候，所有一切，一败涂地。后来我知道，那的确是由我的年幼无知造成，那时候的自己的确不值得被疼爱。所有一切都是咎由自取，怨不得别人。当我以为已经走入绝境，再也无路可走，无论怎么走都错的时候，所有事似乎峰回路转，一切又在瞬间好了起来。所以他们说，上帝为你关上一扇门，必定会为你打开一扇窗。那时候的选择几乎改写了我的人生，但这并不代表我当时的选择有多么正确，这无非是再一次证明了一个什么都没有的人，就再也不能失去任何东西。所以从此不再害怕选择。甚至偶尔会觉得自己是那种越觉得无路可走越有勇气一往无前的人。因为失无可失，无论是什么样的选择，都不会比当时更差。
在这些年漫长的摸索道路上，我一直在想，究竟什么是我生命里最重要的东西。我不敢说我现在做的一定是对的，但即使错了，那也是我现在认为最正确的事。
最近的五年半以来，在国内待的日子没超过50天。但待在妈妈身边的每一天都觉得心酸并内疚。这也许是因为我自己家庭的原因。随着年龄的增长，逐渐开始明白自己在母亲生命中的地位。只有妈妈才是唯一不计前嫌，会永远包容我的人。但是在她最孤单最无助的时候，我没有陪在她身边。如果我不回去，这样的日子还得持续多久？最重要的是，她并不愿意出国生活。
我想我必须感谢很多人，在我最艰难的时候，曾经不计回报的帮助过我，真心诚意关心过我，在我最无助的日子里也不曾离弃过我的人。我不想点名，因为那会让这篇日记整个衰掉。但那些感激在我心里永远不会过期。
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